Death, Mourning, and Triggers

My aunt’s death this past Wednesday, as well as another scenario I’m not willing to talk about at this point, have triggered me in terms of fresh grief and anger.

My sweet Aunt Margie Ann was 92. She and my Uncle Harland (who also passed at 92) were more like grandparents to me. She was my dad’s only sister and I will miss her terribly.

Aunt Margie Ann & Uncle Harland

She was the most loving, caring, non judgmental soul on the planet. She loved all of us unconditionally and always chose to focus on the best pieces of us rather than the struggles and not-so-good.

She loved her dachshunds!

Today I opened my Facebook memories from 2 years ago and am reminded of a grief journey that settles into the very marrow of our bones as we try to make sense of the world around us.

Some need to read about this experience πŸ‘‡ because you need your own ray of hope and light in a very dark place you currently find yourself in.

I am not one to wallow and remain hidden as those actions create a dangerous, slippery slope I’m not willing to go down.

But I DO need your prayers because I am not fully immune to depression and anger and bitterness. And while I trust God fully with the outcome, I am also fully human and very capable of diminishing faith from time to time.

Today is one of those days. β›ˆ

πŸ‘‡πŸ‘‡πŸ‘‡πŸ‘‡πŸ‘‡

I talked with a friend last night who has had two dreams of Laura this week. In the dream my friend knows Laura is in the next world. She is no longer a “counselor” but instead is getting her bags packed headed to her new role as a midwife.

My friend believes Laura “birthed” so much in this world, and we have yet to see the final outcome of the great work she started. Laura left a lot of her knowledge and wishes with a few of us, and I believe we will see her dream become reality.

And as if that wasn’t enough, the last 2 career assessments I’ve done in the past week were both focused on the very things Laura talked about and so now we are starting conversations about what this could look like for the future.

Laura, you were my family, my nearest and dearest friend, and although I’m having a hard time right now with all the what ifs and whys and flashbacks and memories, as Vince Gill sings, I know your time on earth was trouble – I know you had many challenges and pain that you never spoke of to most – I know you were so very tired – and I know you took on more than your fair share at work because you wanted to reach as many people as you could – and you did!

I’m still getting phone calls and messages from your patients who want to connect with me and perhaps work towards developing a friendship with me because YOU taught them they needed healthy people in their lives. I promise to try to be that voice of reason and that healthy soul they can trust.

This week is very hard for me. I am grieving. I am mourning. I see you everywhere. My mind won’t stop. I could easily slip into dark patterns of escape, but all I hear is you and my therapist…”Ginger, allow yourself to settle into the pain. Allow yourself to feel it in that moment. Push through because it WILL pass.”

That’s one thing you taught me about conquering addiction of any kind – if you sit with it long enough and choose to do nothing but sit – the craving will pass. And it does. I’ve considered what it would be like to escape, but instead of jumping, I sit and sit and pray and think of you, and it passes.

I have so many questions in my head – there is so much uncertainty that continues to swirl around me as I begin to think through how I fit into the old and new spaces. I won’t let your early death be for naught. I won’t let your legacy slowly slip away. It can’t because there are too many of us that carry you in our hearts. There are too many of us that were forever changed. There are too many of us who knew you were on our side fighting for our souls even if no one else cared to. And there are too many of us who felt such grace wash over us when we couldn’t see light and were beating ourselves up for our humanity. You always had a way of extending your arms of love and pulling us out of our pits of despair and self-hatred. You taught us our actions didn’t define us – we were more than our bad choices – and we had opportunities to move forward with good choices.

I concur with my dreamer friend and Vince Gill – Go rest high on that mountain because your time on earth is done. Your midwife bags are packed, and I imagine Jesus is allowing you to somehow orchestrate the outcome in accordance with His Word which tells us, “His will be done on earth AS IT IS in Heaven.”

Matthew 18:18 says, “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”

I know this speaks of the Father’s will and the Kingdom in terms of people coming to the Father and being forgiven for their sins, but I also believe it speaks to building the Kingdom of God right here on earth. Laura’s vision lines up with kingdom building because it sets captives free and restores relationships.

All in His time. Until then, please continue to pray for my broken heart and for provision and peace.

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