Another moment of rambling thoughts from the mind of Ginger……
I love C.S. Lewis. He explains things so beautifully. I’ve been mulling over this quote on vulnerability all morning. I have been guilty of being vulnerable and I’ve experienced the heart being wrung and broken. I have also been guilty of not being vulnerable, and I was “safe” in my own dark existence.
I am also guilty of being afraid of those who decide to open up to me and make themselves vulnerable because it requires me to do the same. I am guilty of pushing them away. I am guilty of going numb and motionless and leaving them to wonder if I even care.
I have also experienced profound grief, and I am trying to learn the delicate balance between grief and avoidance and the rebuilding of a broken heart, misplaced trust, and remaining vulnerable despite the huge possibility that we all will still fall from our pedestals and will still disappoint.
At the end of the day, I suppose that is why God is love – He is the only Being with capacity to love us always despite ourselves. Now if I could just allow that love to penetrate me, heal me, and reach into the darkest places of fear and anger and loneliness so that it shines out of me and splashes onto the people I really do love – now that just might be some accomplishment.
If you know me, you’ve likely been affected by me at some level – friend, lover, parent, sibling, kinfolk, associate – whatever your role has been – you’ve likely experienced a plethora of emotions and actions associated with love from me: loyalty, fondness, respect, encouragement, wonder and laughter, and the not so good emotions associated with fear, despair, rage, anger, grief, numbness, loss, and yes, even absence. In fact, I’ve probably been downright impossible at times and you’ve been left wondering, “who is this girl???!!!!”
I’m all of those things wrapped into the beautiful heart and mind I was created to be. I’m human, redeemed, forgiven, yet I fall so short of having the capacity to get it right all of the time. I will likely say things I don’t mean, even hurt your feelings on occasion. But I will also say I’m sorry, although you may have to bring it to my attention at times (I’m guilty of not always seeing that I’ve hurt you). But I also forgive quickly when the tables turn, and I really will be your biggest fan during this journey we call life.
People, we are all beautifully broken. Spend time with those who get that and who understand the meaning of “love covers a multitude of sins.” Trust me, we’re all going to need it.